Bringing Hauntology Home

I wrote a blog post almost a month ago in which I broke down the various life hacks that have helped me go from exerphobic to exerphilic (those probably aren’t words, but humor me). Near the end of that post, though, I revealed that I was currently sedentary, for reasons beyond my control:

[My fitness hacks] worked for a while. I even logged a hundred miles on my new bike! But then I started feeling some pain. I took a week off and it went away, so I got back to working out. Maybe I got too excited—I always feel good while I’m working out—or maybe I should have taken more days off. Point is, the pain returned… and it hasn’t gone away.

… I haven’t worked out at all in almost two weeks, and it still hurts to walk. I’d actually built up some visible muscle over the past month or so, but it’s now melting away before my eyes. And I can’t really do anything about it.

Travel plans being what they are, it’s going to be a while before I get to a doctor. The worst case scenario isn’t really that bad, all things considered, just inconvenient. Minimize your physical activity, they’ll tell me. Rest. Take pain medicine.

The whole thing kind of pisses me off. I guess the one thing you really can’t hack is your own body.

Well, a month has passed, and things have changed, but not for the better. Yesterday morning I finally accepted reality and broke out one of my old crutches. Despite a month and a half sans-exercise, my condition is worsening, and my mobility is increasingly compromised. I can walk unassisted, but it’s not a pleasant experience. Needless to say, I wasn’t expecting this turn of events.

I remain optimistic that I’ll be running around causing trouble in the very near future, but the fact remains that I have a series of hurdles ahead of me in the coming weeks. Some of these hurdles are physical, some logistical, and some professional, but the biggest hurdles—and the ones over which I have the most control—are emotional. I get depressed when I feel limited. The pain is uncomfortable, yes, but its true power (at least in my case) comes from its ability to activate bad memories.

I’m hoping to have a diagnosis and treatment plan in place within a week or two, and even before that process begins I’m truly convinced that the worst of my mobility and health issues are in my past. So I’m not mustering the courage to go on another medical odyssey, not really. No, I’m a seasoned traveler. I’m steeling myself for a confrontation with my past. I’m coming face to face with ghosts. I’m being haunted not just by my own medical history, but by those of so many people I love who’s physical challenges I’ve been witness to, many of whom have passed away.

I won’t be posting medical updates on this blog, but—given my interest in increasing accessibility in both the academy and the world beyond—I suspect there will be many posts in the coming weeks inspired by the issues I’m currently facing.So, get excited for that, I guess?

There’s good reason for me to be optimistic in spite of the pain I’m currently in. I’m an historian of patient advocacy because of the time I spent as a patient. As hard as those years were—and they were very hard—I don’t regret them. Whether the journey I’m in for this time around is long or short, easy or hard, I know that I’ll be the better for it, as long as I stay positive, and continue living an intentional life.

“The Six Million Dollar Scholar” is the personal blog of Andrea Milne, a Ph.D. candidate in modern U.S. History at the University of California, Irvine. To get the story behind the blog’s name, click here.

 

Exercise: How Dealing With My Body is Transforming My Mind

I’ve spent most of my life allergic to exercise, on account of it being boring, painful, and a waste of my time. Then I had two major, life-changing surgeries—more on those in another post, I’m sure—and suddenly realized that exercise actually doesn’t deserve it’s own circle of hell. At least half of the misery I’d felt all that time was the result of not having fully functional legs. Woops.

One of the few pictures I can get of my little brother dancing that's copyright free... because I took it in our backyard in 2010.

One of the few pictures I can get of my little brother dancing that’s copyright free… because I took it in our backyard in 2010.

My “laziness” has always been a source of some embarrassment, in no small part because my younger brother made a career of dancing. Even now, when he’s not dancing, he’s skinny, flexible, and ripped. He has a lot of the same physical issues that landed me in a hospital, but somehow they landed him center stage.

Now, my brother is exceptionally talented, and I know I shouldn’t compare myself to him—for being very close, we’re also remarkably different. Nevertheless, watching him win trophies at tae kwon do tournaments, perform in New York City with dance schools that I’ve actually heard of, hell, watching him correctly dribble a basketball, has always left me thinking “we come from the same genetic pool… I should be able to do this.

Since about 2010, I’ve been flirting with exercise, in the hopes of releasing my inner Jane Fonda. There have been times I worked out damned near every day for months, and then years of inactivity. There are three major problems that have kept me from being as physically fit as I’d like to be: (1) boredom, (2) lack of time, and (3) my physical limitations, which—much to my chagrin—still exist despite the aforementioned surgeries. I’ve solved two of these problems, and figured if I share my solutions, maybe good karma will help me with the third.

  1. Boredom. I don’t really get to have a lot of variety in my work out routine. Doctors have told me I should really stick to the lowest of low impact activities: swimming, biking, and “running” on the elliptical. Being a creature of habit, I don’t mind this… I like my workout to look exactly the same every day. (Yes, I know that’s not what you’re supposed to do, and frankly, I don’t care.) The problem is that none of these activities is exceptionally exciting. What I’m finding works best for me is to listen to audiobooks while I work out. The problem is, it’s easy to tune out most audiobooks when you’re working out. Even if, like me, your natural inclination is toward books that most people find snooze-worthy, you need to pick books that are exciting, and then force yourself to only listen when you are engaged in the physical acivity of your choice. My best workout companion thus far has been the wildly popular The Fault in Our Stars by John Green. It’s the first YA book I’ve ever “read,” but I suspect this particular genre may be the key to keeping me fit.
  2. Lack of time. Far and away my favorite physical activity is walking. It’s nice and slow. And therefore takes a lot of time. Time I don’t have. I really like going to the gym and using the elliptical too, but—even though the gym is super close to my house—going ends up being a two-ish hour commitment. And all that bouncing around tends to give me a headache. I know I need to prioritize my health, so a few months ago I finally bit the bullet and bought myself an exercise bike. It’s a fold up/roll away bike, but out of sight is very much out of mind for me, so the stupid thing is crammed in my bedroom. As much as I hate looking at it, and as embarrassed as I am to have spent money I honestly don’t have on gym equipment when I have a super uber deluxe gym within walking distance, it really does save me a ton of time. A ton. And—added bonus—I’ve never once run into one of my undergrads while riding it.

Then there’s that third issue: my own anatomy. I thought I had that part figured out: as long as I always did slightly less than I felt capable of, I reasoned, my body should be able to handle the stress. Progress would be slower than it is for most people, but I’d eventually attain my fitness goals.

Well, that worked for a while. I even logged a hundred miles on my new bike! But then I started feeling some pain. I took a week off and it went away, so I got back to working out. Maybe I got too excited—I always feel good while I’m working out—or maybe I should have taken more days off. Point is, the pain returned… and it hasn’t gone away.

Celebrating my mother’s birthday at the Bradenton Riverwalk… which, thanks to me, ended up being more of a “riversit.”

I’m in Florida right now visiting my mother and the aforementioned buff little brother. I haven’t worked out at all in almost two weeks,

and it still hurts to walk. I’d actually built up some visible muscle over the past month or so, but it’s now melting away before my eyes. And I can’t really do anything about it.

Travel plans being what they are, it’s going to be a while before I get to a doctor. The worst case scenario isn’t really that bad, all things considered, just inconvenient. Minimize your physical activity, they’ll tell me. Rest. Take pain medicine.

The whole thing kind of pisses me off. I guess the one thing you really can’t hack is your own body.

But enough whining. I’m trying on relentless positivity for a change, and I’ve liked the results. The good news in all of this is I do know I am capable of exercising. Not only am I capable of exercising, I’m capable of enjoying the process.

How does she make this look FUN? Click on those ridiculous legs of hers for a link to the site I lifted the picture from.

How does she make this look FUN? Click on those ridiculous legs of hers for a link to the site I lifted the picture from.

I’m never going to be Jane Fonda, but I can be healthy. It will prove a bigger challenge for me than for the average person, and occasionally—like right now—I’m going to be put in a time out by forces beyond my control. But I like a challenge, right? It’s the reason I chose to study history over the subject (literature) that came to me more easily. It’s the reason I decided to go to graduate school. I don’t particularly like the person I am when I’m not rising to one occasion or another. So it’s all good. Instead of kicking ass on my stupid little bicycle, I’m writing. I’m exercising another (arguably more useful) muscle. Intention is half the battle. And right now, I’m plotting my triumphant return to daily exercise. It’s not burning calories or building muscle, but it does make me feel better.

 

“The Six Million Dollar Scholar” is the personal blog of Andrea Milne, a Ph.D. candidate in modern U.S. History at the University of California, Irvine. To get the story behind the blog’s name, click here.