Nude Models, Pot Brownies, and Frankenfoot: A Tribute to My Grandmother

I’m back in Florida with my family, decompressing after an incredibly productive and fun—but exceedingly stressful—week of archival work. Unlike previous trips, I am actually excited to keep researching. The one major impediment to continuing research is my present location, which is approximately 3,000 miles away from both my home and the majority of my archives. Thing is, I’m really happy here, and reluctant to leave. I’ve found that happy medium between work and family, and am loathe to give it up. That feeling is even stronger today, because today would have been my grandmother’s eighty first birthday.

The last photo I have of myself and Granny.

The last photo I have of myself and my grandmother.

My grandmother—I always called her “Granny,” which drove my mother up a wall—died seven years ago. She died in her sleep, the death she’d always wanted, at the age of 73. I was in college 800 miles away, attending Bryn Mawr. It was a matter of personal pride for her, because, despite growing up mere miles from the campus, she always told me she never would have gotten in, on account of being an Irish Catholic.

By the time she passed away she’d been living with my family for over a decade, and was equal parts my third parent and my responsibility. I drove her to her doctor’s appointments, she taught me how to knit. I brought her food when her foot got run over by a Buick (that actually happened… she broke six bones and developed a serious case of “Frankenfoot” as a result), and she laid in bed calmly agreeing with me whenever I needed to rant about something parent or high school related. I took her to the craft store, and she did my laundry. She told me I would “start an argument with a brick wall,” and I mocked her relentlessly. She was a fixture in my life, and—as is the case with most fixtures—I took her for granted. And then suddenly she was gone, and for the first time in my life I found myself besieged by grief.

I was besieged, but my grandmother had long ago been broken. Granny moved in with us shortly after the death of one of her three daughters, and was never the same. By that time she was also dealing with the early stages of dementia and other medical problems that limited her in ways I am only now able to understand. She had an incredibly difficult life, and given my age, I couldn’t really appreciate the gravity of her physical and psychological challenges.

In fairness—both to myself and to my grandmother’s memory—she was also totally cuckoo bananas. She was quite possibly the world’s worst driver: from a hit and run at the public library to the time she ran into our local Wachovia, every trip with her was a hair-raising adventure. She was a truly heinous cook who gave herself E. coli at least once. She got jelly on the newspaper every single morning. She had a cat named “Cooter.” She routinely told my brother and I to “bugger off, dear,” and taught me turns of phrase that to this day make me sound like I come from another era. I always described her to my friends as the eccentric old lady who lived in my basement, and to this day I stand by that description. What I didn’t fully appreciate then, and wish I could tell her now, is that she was so much more than that.

My grandmother being nutty as she was wont to do.

My grandmother being nutty, as she was wont to do.

My grandmother was basically the coolest person ever. This is a blog post, and Granny deserves a book, so to those of you who knew her, please excuse my brevity. For the rest of you, strap in. I’m about to list all the reasons that my granny was cooler than your granny:

  • Both of my grandmother’s parents were artists, and she used to talk to me about coming home from school—in the 1930’s and 1940’s—to nude models posing in the living room. Growing up with a bunch of artists, she never tried to compete in that arena, but as she got older she started to indulge her creative side. By the time she lived with me, she was remarkably crafty. Knitting, needlepoint, drawing, painting… you name it, she probably did it, and made sure to expose me to it. She made beautiful things, and by the end of her life was especially into quilting; I would be remiss, however, if I didn’t mention that she occasionally sewed pieces of fabric to her pants legs. Nobody’s perfect.
  • Granny dedicated herself to her studies and graduated from the University of Pennsylvania with a degree in English. She remains one of the most well-read people I’ve ever met, the type who’d re-read War and Peace over the course of two or three days, just because. She studied Elizabethan England and the Civil War in her free time, and introduced me to many of the best books I’ve ever read.
  • While in college, my Granny—an Irish Catholic girl from a suburb of Philadelphia—fell in love with an Indian man. My great grandparents told her they would never approve of a mixed marriage, but that they wouldn’t actively prevent the wedding from happening if she went to India and lived with his family for several months… their logic being that she’d never be able to stand living in such a dirty and barbarous country. Long story short, my grandfather had to drag her back to the United States, as she would have gladly spent the rest of her life in India if given the choice. She married my (brown) grandfather in Pennsylvania in the 1950’s, and she did it in a sari. Because she was a total badass.
    My grandmother and grandfather posing for a highly improbable wedding photo.

    My grandmother and grandfather posing for a highly improbable wedding photo.

    My granny, getting married her way.

    My granny, getting married her way.

  • Approximately a decade later, Granny ran off to Mexico to divorce my grandfather. She returned to the US a newly single woman determined to raise her three small (and half brown) children on her own. Imagine for a moment the kind of courage it would have taken to become a single mother of three biracial children in the early 1960’s. Granny had some serious ovaries.

    My grandmother and grandfather with the first of their three daughters.

    My grandmother and grandfather with the first of their three daughters.

  • During the “Mad Men” era, my grandmother started working in corporate/commercial real estate. She bought properties that companies used as tax shelters, which… doesn’t happen anymore. She was very good at her job, but as is so often the case, found herself making a lot of money for other people. She had an encyclopedic knowledge of a very complex industry, and managed to stay alive through decades of swimming with the sharks. Just as she rose to the top of the totem pole, tax shelters were eliminated and the industry in which she made her name disappeared.
  • In the days when she did have cash, my grandmother made good use of it. She and her best friend—also a successful, single business woman—took trips to faraway places like China, unaccompanied by men. Because why not? She was utterly unafraid of the unknown, because she’d kicked the unknown’s ass so many times already.
  • When my aunt became ill with a very rare disease, my grandmother became her caretaker. My aunt—who will have a blog post of her own someday soon, as she was a pretty cool lady too—had a fierce advocate in my grandmother. When my aunt was in chemotherapy so bad that it was almost worse than the disease she was battling, my grandmother did what it took to get her hands on some marijuana. She’d bake up pot brownies, and bring them to the hospital. Because she was amazing.
Granny with one of my cousins. Which one, I haven't the foggiest.

Granny with one of my cousins. Which one, I haven’t the foggiest.

So yeah, basically, Granny was the world’s coolest grandmother. She only spent seventy three years in this life, but what a life she had. Hell, she even died the way she wanted to… if that isn’t a mic drop I don’t know what is. The last conversation we had was about a summer internship I’d received; she told me she was proud of me. I’m proud of her too, and I really hope she knows it. Happy Birthday Granny.

 

“The Six Million Dollar Scholar” is the personal blog of Andrea Milne, a Ph.D. candidate in modern U.S. History at the University of California, Irvine. To get the story behind the blog’s name, click here.

Next Level Adulting

My friends and I from Bryn Mawr have this phrase we use on a regular basis: “adulting.” Infinitive form (I presume… we’ve never actually agreed on this): “to adult.” We employ this terminology to describe anything we feel woefully unprepared/unable to do by virtue of our not having accepted our age.

“My husband and I are looking for a house. We visited five different properties today and I can’t handle how much everything costs! Adulting sucks.”

“Interviewing for an actual 9 to 5 job today. I’m wearing a suit. This is some hard core adulting.”

“Took my cat to the vet today; just the tests they want to run are going to cost $700. And I’m only working part time! Gonna have to do some serious adulting to figure this shit out.

“I tried to refurbish a cabinet a la this thing I saw on Pinterest and totally screwed it up. Also, I’ve been living in the same apartment for five years now and there’s still nothing on any of my walls. Adulting fail.”

“My day’s going to be spent adulting: I’m filing my taxes, and refinancing my car.”

**NOTE: The friends in question and I went to Bryn Mawr College. Many have advanced degrees, and others are holding down solid jobs. We are privileged. That privilege doesn’t always translate into financial security, but lord knows have a lot to be thankful for. These examples reflect that privilege, but they need not. For example, in my first year of graduate school, I was too overwhelmed/confused by the process of applying for food stamps to bother. So I lived on peanut butter. Which was stupid.**

As a graduate student, I get to avoid a certain amount of adulting. I live on campus in the concrete wonderland that is Palo Verde housing. It’s a nice place, all things considered, but despite the crying babies and company cars in the parking lot, it’s very hard to think of this as a grown-up living arrangement. Those of us operating sans-significant other have to live with a roommate, and pets, well… the policy on pets confuses me. Suffice it to say, I won’t be a puppy parent any time soon. The only thing I parent is my beloved Mr. Tibbs, a 2009 Hyundai Elantra that I bought (with my own hard-earned money, thank you very much) the day after I graduated college.

This is far from uncommon. I’d say most twenty-somethings still regard themselves as children on some level. It’s not even necessarily a problem, until one’s perceived state of suspended animation becomes an impediment to achieving personal greatness.

There are a lot of things I don’t do because I believe I’m not mature or responsible enough to do them. In some cases (i.e. having a child) this is a really good thing. In other cases (i.e. finding more affordable car insurance), it’s just freakin’ stupid. One of my goals for the coming year is to level up, to adult as I have never adulted before, just to prove to myself that I can.

I’ve done this successfully before with cooking. My mother and my brother are both amazingly-ridiculous-out-of-this-world cooks, so I never worried much about what dinner was going to be, what it was made of, etc. When I got to grad school, accordingly, I ate a veritable boatload of crap. I was also exceedingly poor (as in, at one point my total net worth was $0.18), so I couldn’t be healthy if I’d tried. My friend Thomas will never let me live down the night I enthusiastically invited him over for dinner, explaining that I’d be making spaghetti… with Ragu! Over the past couple years—thanks in no small part to student loans—I’ve begun teaching myself how to cook. The results have been damned impressive. My cookies are now History Department famous, and I can host a 10 person dinner party without breaking a sweat. It took time, but I now believe that I can cook like an adult.

So I know I can adult. I have it in me. So what’s next?

I’m treating the start of the academic year as New Year’s Day Part Deux, because—for whatever reason—I tend to be more successful if I ruminate on and mentally prepare myself to tackle resolutions months in advance. I also know you have to start small; trying to adult five times over will only lead to finger-painting in the corner. So I have two different starting lines in my not too distant future:

September 29, 2014: Start of the Academic Year

  • Adulting goal one: open a credit union account
  • Adulting goal two: figure out the whole “budgeting” thing (I’m going to use Mint.com)

January 1, 2015: Actual New Year

  • Adulting goal one: pay off remaining credit card debt
  • Adulting goal two: take a personal finance class

If I can accomplish even half of these goals, I’ll be super proud of myself. Better late than never.

So now that I’ve made myself accountable to you, the (possibly imaginary) reader, it’s your turn: what are your adulting fails, and what small steps can you take to make adulthood your bitch?

 

“The Six Million Dollar Scholar” is the personal blog of Andrea Milne, a Ph.D. candidate in modern U.S. History at the University of California, Irvine. To get the story behind the blog’s name, click here.